Hello readers, this post will serve mostly as a primer to this blog, as the title implies. I have a lot of content ideas I want to include in my writings, but first, a little introduction.
I’m a white male in his early twenties living in Fairfax, VA, a city just outside Washington, D.C. I’ve begun this blog as a way to catalogue my thoughts and experiences about life, entertainment, women, and the sexual market in a feminized society. Most of the theory for the latter categories has been covered in the Manosphere (see my blogroll) so most of that content will be my take from personal experiences. This is my first blog, and first time writing anything outside the realm of academia, so it may be poorly written, but I’ll try to pepper in some humor to offset my lack of writing experience. Let’s jump in, shall we?
I would consider myself to be the prototypical Beta or AFC. I think the latter is more fitting actually. Throughout my early years I was as introverted and shy as they come. I always did well in school, to the point where I hardly ever studied. School just came naturally to me and I retained information easily. I enjoyed my friendships throughout my schooling years, and at age eight I was introduced to video games. Games that weren’t Mario on the NES – I think you can tell where this is going. Full immersion into games at a young age like that can warp a child’s mind. I gradually became more engrossed in the fantasy of gaming and withdrew from social activities. As Heartiste professes: Every male endeavor has groupies – except video games.
My downfall came about with the release of World of Warcraft in 2004. Up until then I had had moderate success with girls, kissing and so forth, the typical grab-ass sort of behavior common with young teens. This game changed everything. I was hooked from day one, and I let all of my social obligations falter. I had a budding teen relationship going with the most beautiful girl I’d ever met (she went to a different school, you probably don’t know her), who, for whatever reason, was interested in me, even though my shyness and awkwardness was physically crippling. I could barely talk to her without my heart racing. Luckily WoW solved that problem for me as I slowly stopped seeing and talking to her. Damn shame.
I had other “girlfriends” from time to time, but the beta in me refused to escalate in any meaningful way (she’ll like me better if I take things slow!) and these quickly fell apart. I fell into the AFC category. It didn’t help that I had grown to 6’2″ and weighed in at a menacing 145lbs by the end of high school. Most of my friends were in the same boat as me as far as women were concerned. Some may have gotten a BJ from a nerdy band girl, but no solid experience to speak of really. “College will be better!” they said. But what they didn’t realize was how fucking wrong they were!
More AFC!
I went to a party school in Central VA. The kind of school that appeals to the douchey lax-bro type guys and blonde bimbo girls. You know, the type of girls that go to class wearing pajamas, or the 1-2-3 North Face fleece, leggings, Ugg boots combo, to the extent that you can’t even tell them apart. I rationalized that I didn’t want any of these girls, and so disqualified myself from having any sort of real interaction. I was looking for someone “special,” whatever that means. I tried to reinvent myself in college, or rather, I planned on reinventing myself some time down the line, but my inner AFC created a bad attitude that could be seen by others. I still preferred video games to socializing, breaking out of my comfort zone was too stressful, so I again rationalized this behavior as correct. Fortunately I had a desire for alcohol as most kids do, which fueled my desire to go out to parties on the weekends, but my goal was always to get drunk, with a vague desire to hook up with girls, which led to many sloppy make-outs and sloppier hook-ups (These never escalated to sex, and I was still a virgin). Booze was definitely a crutch for me during these times.
By Junior year I finally started to do something about my bad luck with girls. At this point I was 6’4″ and weighed about 150 or so. I started lifting, joined the club swimming team, and joined some friends in intramural soccer and hockey. Most importantly I hung up World of Warcraft for good (sort of). After a few months of lifting and swimming I had gained about 25 pounds of muscle and was pretty proud of my accomplishment. The confidence that lifting alone gave me made me begin looking for girls. However, despite my improved physique, I was still beta to the core. I had no game. I didn’t even know what game was – when someone told me to go “spit some game” at a girl, I literally thought they just meant to go talk to her like I would anyone else. I had no idea what was attractive to girls and still fell into the “just be yourself” mindset. I got friendzoned by every girl I showed any interest in.
On the first day off class one semester, I noticed a tall girl with an athletic build sitting adjacent to me. She was beautiful, at least an 8 by any standards. Sitting in front of her was another very pretty blonde girl, a solid 7. These were the two prettiest girls in the class by far, so when the professor explained we would be working in groups of our own choosing for the semester, I made a bold move that still surprises me to this day. I turned to these two girls and suggested we work together. Two other girls joined our group as well (my major was predominantly female – so much wasted opportunity on my part). I was fixated on the 8. I found out she was a Dutch exchange student who was here on scholarship for field hockey. I’ll call her Vivienne – there will be a post on her in the future. It doesn’t have a happy ending.
My first real girlfriend
Senior year was more of the same. I was rooming with two other AFC chumps, and we fed off each other’s beta-ness. The rationalization for our failures was immense, and very, very sad. One had a severe ONEitis for a girl that had broken up with him 3 years prior. He wasn’t pining for her, but it seemed to be his last experience with a girl and it made him very bitter. The other was a pretentious hipster douche who I was not a big fan of. We tolerated each other, but when his girlfriend, whom he had met on OKCupid, decided to cut her ass-length hair (her only real feminine attribute) to just below her ears, I laughed on the inside, especially when he asked me “Doesn’t her hair look good?” The desparate look in his eyes was priceless.
I was visiting my best friend at his school one weekend and met a cute girl who I later found out was still in high school. She was showing genuine interest in me, but was dating someone else at the time. We talked all night and danced a little, but I never escalated. She friended me on Facebook the next day and we began chatting and texting. Eventually she broke up with the person she was with and we began expressing mutual interest in each other, despite the fact that it was long distance, she was 17, and I was 22. I was just happy to have a girl that actually liked me. This developed into a severe ONEitis for me; we dated for a little over a year before my betatude killed the relationship. I’ll write a more detailed post about her later. After we broke up, I was upset for a long time. I thought I had done everything right – be nice, be caring, compliment and cuddle. I was angry that this didn’t work to keep her around.
Finally, some answers
At the time of the breakup, I was a fairly regular reader of a website called Cracked, a comedy site that publishes articles about a wide variety of topics, from pop culture to science. One article in particular dealt with “unhealthy mentalities the internet turned into movements.” One of the mentalities in question was the MGTOW, with a link to the forums. In the wake of the breakup I decided to have a look – this was my first introduction to the ideas of the Red Pill, hypergamy, game, unequal marriage laws, etc. While it offered some good points, I felt the writing quality was about that of a 7th grader. I looked around some more and came across a link to Ian Ironwood’s blog, The Red Pill Room. I didn’t know it yet, but I had just struck gold. I began devouring all of his writings, and the writings of the blogs he linked to. I was able to apply many of the concepts to myself, like qualities of the beta, relational equity, and of course feminism and the feminine imperative. After a few months, I’ve begun internalizing my knowledge of game and attraction, and have become much more successful in my interactions with women. It turns out that I had some of the right stuff to begin with, but due to my programming by the feminine imperative/matrix had repressed it in favor of the ‘nice guy’ routine. Finally, I’ve undertaken a journey of self-improvement and started this blog as a sort of journal of my coming of age.
